Episode 259: Are you Thriving or Just Surviving?

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Dr. Melissa Smith 0:00
Are you thriving or just surviving when it comes to life and stressors and leadership? Too many of us are just surviving. Well, join me today to learn how you can thrive.

Dr. Melissa Smith 0:34
Hi, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, welcome to the Pursue What Matters podcast where we focus on what it takes to thrive in love and work. So how are you doing in love and work? How are you doing in life? Are you thriving? Are you living your best life, or do you feel like you’re just in survival mode? Well, we have so many challenges in front of us now, whether it’s political intrigue or geopolitical upset, and you know that’s to say nothing of inflation and what’s happening at work and home, and it’s easy to slip pretty quickly into a survival mode. And so today I want to, you know, help you look at this question of, are you thriving or are you surviving? And so I want to start that conversation with going over some common questions that I hear all the time from people, whether they are leadership executives or busy moms or, you know, Dad’s trying to juggle everything. These are really common questions, and so I hope that, as I discuss some of these questions, and for sure, give you some answers.

Dr. Melissa Smith 1:53
First of all, I hope the answers are helpful. I hope that you can also see that you’re not alone, and that there are things that you can do to help yourself to move from, you know, surviving to thriving. And so today we’ll kind of introduce the topic and go over some common questions and answers on this topic. And then I hope you will stay tuned, because over the next few weeks, I’m going to be sharing with you some leadership survival skills, so some skills that can be really helpful to just make sure you have a good foundation in place. Because sometimes we can get so into survival mode that it is it’s hard for us to even know what we need, what the basics are, and so the leadership survival skills really are looking at the basics, like, what is your foundation to really help you to be on solid ground so that you can be effective in your most important roles? So that is, that’s what we will focus on over the next few weeks. So thank you for joining me.

Dr. Melissa Smith 3:05
Okay, let’s start with our first question about stress and being in survival mode. So here’s the question, I feel overwhelmed by stress that seems out of my control. How do I cope when there is no end in sight? Well, right there we have one of the key components of overwhelming stress, and that is this feeling of being out of control, that it feels like despite everything you might do to help yourself, you just can’t get ahead. And that is really a hallmark of being in survival mode. So let’s take a look at this.

Dr. Melissa Smith 3:45
First of all, and I’m fond of talking about this, and the research is really clear on it, so I’m gonna keep repeating it is that, first of all, many of us have been taught that stress is bad, that it’s a negative thing, and that we should do everything we can to banish it from our lives. And of course, that’s not possible. Stress is a part of being human, and so it’s absolutely not realistic at all that we could banish it from our lives. And so right when we set ourselves up with the task of banishing stress, and then we’re not successful, we’re going to feel worse about ourselves and we’re going to feel more stressed. So it’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Dr. Melissa Smith 4:23
And second of all, the idea that stress is all bad is actually not true. What we have been taught to believe about stress has literally been harming us. So when it comes to stress, our beliefs about stress can actually change our biology, our physiological responses and how we cope with stress. So this is quite literally where knowledge is power, like understanding the nature straight stress changes the impact it has on your body. And I think that is the most fascinating thing. So for example, when individuals perceive stressful experiences at. Something that helps them develop resilience, or grit, they actually become more resilient, and the stressful experiences are considered growth factors in their life. So it’s so cool. They’ve done research with all ages, but especially like kiddos working on challenging puzzles, and it’s just fascinating. But alternatively, if someone were to perceive the exact same stressful experience as horrible and devastating, rather than as something that can help them to grow and develop resilience, that individual is more likely to be negatively impacted by the stress and even traumatized with potentially lasting impacts. So that is the power of our mindset and our beliefs about stress. It is that powerful. So our stress hormones respond to the thoughts that we have about stress, and that is a good fact to know. And so mindset is powerful.

Dr. Melissa Smith 6:02
So I’d like you to consider a mindset shift when it comes to stress, and first of all recognize that are that there are actually many upsides of stress. So one of the paradoxes of stress is that when we have stress, it means we have a meaningful life. It’s the best evidence of a meaningful life, which is one of the most important factors for making life worth living. Many people say they would like to be less busy, but when they are actually less busy, they lose their sense of purpose and meaning, and it’s not uncommon, uncommon for them to fall into a depression.

Dr. Melissa Smith 6:37
So I have a little example of this where I was working full time, had little kids at home, and it was just too much, and so I changed my schedule so that I was working more part time, and I lost connection to purpose. I lost connection to team, to the mission of the organization, and I just felt really disconnected. And that was one of the times where changing my schedule, where I thought it could be good, and there were definitely benefits, it ended up making things harder for me. And so it’s important to remember that stress connects us to purpose. And so you know, if you’re like a lot of people, you may be wishing for less stress or to be less busy or to have less responsibility, but if you stop and think about the things you are busy with and even the things in your life that are stressful, I’m guessing that many of these things are also core to your leadership and family life, And really the things that make your life meaningful. And so instead of wishing for less stress, let’s shift your mindset. And so you know, we can change our relationship to stress. So first of all, right, we want to start looking at what are the expectations that you are putting on yourself, that you should have everything figured out, that you shouldn’t have stress. When you are living a big life or leading in big ways and meaningful ways, you’re going to have big stressors. And that’s not necessarily a problem. The key is not to be undone by that. And that’s this is where mindset is so helpful. Recognize that it comes with the territory, and remind your remind yourself that this is me living a meaningful life. I literally remind myself of that on days when the stressors just feel so heavy and right, this idea that just because it’s stressful does not mean you’re doing anything wrong. In fact, it might mean you’re doing everything right. And so this is, you know, we’re going to be talking more in the coming weeks about leadership, survival skills and this mindset, this ability to shift the way you relate to stress, can be so critically important, and those skills can help us move through those moments of stress, so that we can move into resilience, so that we can recover in the stress response cycle and get on to the tasks of life. And so skills, coping skills, are really important in that process. Okay?

Dr. Melissa Smith 9:23
And so here’s the thing, when it comes to stress, right? Like, back to this question of, like, feeling like the stress is out of your control. The good, the good news about this mindset shift is that you don’t have to feel like you’re a victim to your stressors anymore. And I don’t know about you, but I have definitely felt like I’ve been a victim to my stressors. And when I take a step back and look at it, I feel a victim to the choices that I’ve made and to purpose and meaning, and that’s like the last thing that I want to feel and so this is where that mindset shift is so helpful. Um. You can freely accept that as you choose a life that includes leadership and love, there are going to be stressors along the path. So be it, the key is to ask yourself, How can you be steady on your path, even when the path is not steady? Because the path won’t always be steady. In fact, it’s rarely study, but you can be steady, and the way that you can be steady is through your mindset and your understanding that stress is normal and not something to be banished. It’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong or that you can’t lead, and also, through utilizing leadership survival skills, they can help you to be more resilient in order to thrive on your path. So resilience is the key.

Dr. Melissa Smith 10:49
The problem that most of us come up against is that we believe that the path should be steady, or that we are somehow navigating the path incorrectly, and this is when stress can become more problematic, but when we recognize that the path is going to be unsteady and challenging, then we are more compassionate with ourselves, and we are more likely to utilize the, you know, some coping skills to help ourselves along The way. So that’s my first answer to the question is that, first of all, don’t assume stress is a problem. Recognize that even if there are some things that fell out of your control, there are ways that you can respond with more steadiness on the path right and first of all, recognizing it as a growth factor, recognizing it as that path of resilience and really arming yourself with some very good coping skills to help yourself when that step, when that path is not steady. Because, of course, we know it is often not steady, so that’s the first answer to the first question.

Dr. Melissa Smith 12:02
So let’s take a look at another question. So this is a really common question that I get about the impact of stress, and especially how it relates to leadership and life. So I feel ashamed and guilty that I struggle to hold it together like I am a fraud. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that from people. What do I do about the shame and guilt I feel? Well, first of all, welcome to the human condition, right? Brene Brown, the great researcher on shame, has taught that that the experience of shame is something that connects us to humans. It’s a normal part of being human. The only ones that don’t experience it are sociopaths. So this is where you’re in good company, if you acknowledge that, yeah, you have shame. And I think this is particularly insidious when it comes to leadership, because there is this assumption or this belief, right, that the leader has all the answers, or that the leader knows where we’re going. And of course, we want your leader in your organization at home, whatever to you know, have a path forward, but that doesn’t mean the leader has all the answers. And if that were true, when, then why would we need teams? Right? But it can be. It can feel like you’re on a pedestal and that you’ve got to get it right. And so then when you have shame or doubt or guilt, or, you know, you don’t know the answer, it can just kick up, you know for sure, this experience of imposter syndrome, but also just intense shame and a desire to hide. So first of all, let’s talk about the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is the idea that you are bad. Guilt is the idea that you’ve done something bad. Now, of course, guilt is typically functional. It helps us to correct our behavior. Shame is not functional, right? Because what are you going to do? How are you going to change you? It really becomes an indictment of the individual.

Dr. Melissa Smith 14:04
So not very helpful. And in this situation with this question, right? You You say that you feel like a fraud when you’re barely holding it together, and so, right? You’re probably feeling shame and guilt about that. This is such a common disconnect for a lot of individuals who are very high achieving, put a lot of pressure on themselves and don’t want to disappoint others. Does that sound familiar to anyone? It’s not so much that you want to fool others in fraudulent ways, but it’s more about not wanting to disappoint others, not wanting to be needy, not wanting to draw too much attention to yourself. And there are some really powerful beliefs that underlie some of these worries. So first of all, there can be a powerful belief that it’s your job to please others, and that if you somehow have needs, it will be an inconvenience to others. Often these beliefs. Can spring up from our childhood experiences of feeling burdensome. So what do we do? We work really hard to not have too many needs. But guess what? You’re a human, and you have needs, and of course, of course, you do, right, like that. That’s, that’s, that’s a good thing.

Dr. Melissa Smith 15:16
Second, there can be powerful, a powerful belief that it’s shameful to have needs at all right? This is where you make yourself the exception. So it might be okay for others to have needs, but not you. In this way, you’re totally making yourself the exception, and you set yourself to higher standards, and often these are unrealistic standards. And of course, this is very problematic for many reasons, mostly because you’re not the exception, but also it because it means you don’t get your needs met. So I talk about this as a superwoman or Superman complex. And guess what, none of us are Superwoman or Superman, so we know that you’re very capable, right? But you’re not a superhero. And so some of the work here is to challenge your unreasonable expectations and push away the shame and guilt. I know it can be really hard, but look at these underlying beliefs, get curious about them and ask yourself, is this belief helping me or is this belief hurting me?

Dr. Melissa Smith 16:17
So I just want to circle back and close up the conversation on shame and guilt. Guilt can be productive in that it can signal when we might be out of alignment with our values, right? So, for instance, if you are chronically dishonest about something, I’m okay with you feeling guilty about that, because that guilt can signal a course correction back to your value of integrity. But you’ve got to clarify if the guilt you’re experiencing is appropriate, as in, I’m living out of alignment with my values, or if the guilt is because you have an unrealistic expectation, such as this Superwoman or Superman complex. So as is the case with everything I’ve discussed so far, you’ve got to get curious about your guilt and figure out if the guilt is even appropriate, and then shame. We all have shame, right? But shame, there’s really no functional use of shame. It’s pretty toxic, and the belief that that you’re bad, right? You may be struggling, you may be making poor choices, you may be living out of alignment with your values, but none of these things make you bad. Your worth and value as a person must be protected from any attacks, including by you. So today we talked about some common questions that can help you to really look at this question of, Am I thriving or surviving? And I hope you’ll join me next time where we’re going to cover a couple more questions, and then really help you develop some good skills to build a foundation of thriving.

Dr. Melissa Smith 17:59
So head on over to my website to check out the show notes with the resources for this episode at www.drmelissasmith.com/259-thrivingorsurviving That’s one more time www.drmelissasmith.com/259-thrivingorsurviving I hope you’ll consider joining my email list, where you’ll always get the updates about the podcast. Don’t worry, I won’t harass you. Just a simple email once a week with a leadership quote or a nod to the podcast. Also join me on Instagram @dr.melissasmith or follow and subscribe to the podcast, wherever you listen to podcasts. In the meantime, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, remember love and work, work and love. That’s all there is until next time, take good care.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai