Episode 257: Are You Experiencing a Crisis of Confidence?

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   Dr. Melissa Smith 0:00
Are you experiencing a crisis of confidence? Maybe you feel like you’ve lost your mojo or you can’t succeed in ways you have in the past. Well, today is the podcast for you join me.

Dr. Melissa Smith 0:12
Hi, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, welcome to the Pursue What Matters podcast where we focus on what it takes to thrive in love and work. So I led with a question, Are you experiencing a crisis of confidence? So if you have made it this far in life, and you’ve never experienced a crisis of confidence, I’d probably say you’re not living awake, because that is the nature of life, right? We have ebbs and flow in our confidence over time, whether that’s at home, in our relationships at work. And of course, today, I want to really help you look at this question of having a crisis confidence. Because when it happens to you, right, not if, but when it happens to you, it can really knock your world upside down, and the first thing that I want you to know is that you’re not alone. There are good things to understand. So we’re going to kind of look at that question of, are you experiencing it, and what are some of the factors that might be tied into that? And then I want you to join me next week, where we’re going to talk about five steps to help you overcome a crisis of confidence. So first of all, with this question of, are you experiencing a crisis of confidence? Well, maybe the answer to that is, I don’t know, or I’m not sure, let’s look at some of the symptoms. So maybe you have a big increase in fear.

Dr. Melissa Smith 2:01
One of the things that goes hand in hand with that is a feeling of uncertainty, right? I just don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s going to happen five minutes from now. I don’t know what’s going to happen five years from now. So a lot of uncertainty about the future could be uncertainty about work, about your industry, uncertainty about what’s happening. You know, in the world, it could be uncertainty about your relationships or your health, right? So fear and uncertainty really go hand in hand for most of us. So those are two of the big symptoms. Another symptom that you might be experiencing a crisis of confidence is a feeling of not good enough, right? Like, I just can’t succeed. I can’t make it happen. And so if you notice that you’re kind of getting down on yourself in lots of areas, or you kind of have this pervasive feeling of not being good enough, that could certainly be a symptom of, you know, a bit of a confidence crisis.

Dr. Melissa Smith 3:04
Another symptom that we want to pay attention to is the plague of comparison or competition, right? So it is pretty natural for us, and it’s, it’s it’s normal. It’s not necessarily a problem to kind of assess ourselves relative to other people, right? So we look side to side, we pay attention to what’s happening for other people. And that is a very useful and functional tool for us as humans because it kind of helps us to know, you know, where we are relative to other people. And you know what we need to focus on if we want to, you know, kind of shift our position. And so it can be a help, a very helpful tool, right? But if you’re coming from a place of scarcity, if you’re coming from a place of not feeling good enough, that comparison can be really toxic, because whether or not it’s true, you’re going to compare yourself unfavorably relative to others. And so it leaves you with a skewed perception, where you know if you are coming from a place of feeling good enough and being grounded in yourself, comparison can be a very useful tool to help you with perspective and you know, kind of seeing where you’re at.

Dr. Melissa Smith 4:16
But if you’re coming from a place of scarcity or not good enough, that comparison will actually lead you to lose perspective, and it doesn’t become a very useful tool to help you to, you know, to make changes or to to grow to your potential. And so if you find yourself chronically comparing yourself to others, that’s definitely can be a symptom of a confidence crisis. And here’s the thing, in those comparisons, you’re always worse off, right? So you kind of lose in that comparison game most of the time. So that’s important to pay attention to.

Dr. Melissa Smith 4:55
Another symptom of a confidence crisis is a pervasive sense of failure, right? So feeling like you can’t be successful regardless of what you do, and that doesn’t mean, right, that there aren’t objective failures, right? Because if we’re living life, you know, failure comes with that territory. But what we want to think about is this pervasive sense of failure, this feeling of like I can’t get back up after, you know, I’ve been knocked down, or I don’t want to try anything, because it’s just going to lead to another failure. And so it’s really, it can, it’s kind of this sense of helplessness, or what’s the point? And so it’s not if you’ve just experienced an objective failure, because lots of people do that, and lots of confident people do that. But what does that failure lead to within yourself and how you see yourself, how you see the world, how you see opportunities and risk, right? And that leads us to another symptom of confidence crisis, and that is your tolerance for risk really shifts. And usually this shift, this shift is towards a lower risk tolerance. And we see this a lot show up in the world of work.

Dr. Melissa Smith 6:20
So Right? Like, especially if you’re an entrepreneur, you have to have a pretty high risk tolerance. Of course, it depends on the industry, it depends on what your growth looks like, but entrepreneurs, generally speaking, do have a higher risk tolerance than other populations, and that makes a lot of sense, because you have to kind of be willing to step out and do things other people aren’t doing, or do things where your name is the one on the line. And so, you know, especially if you see a, you know, a significant shift in that risk tolerance to being more risk aversive, and that being paired with the fear, right of Oh, like, I can’t do it. I can’t take this risk, because what if I fail, or, you know, I don’t know enough to be successful. And so big shifts in risk tolerance can also be one of those symptoms of a confidence crisis. And then the last symptom that I want to talk about is just having some unrealistic expectations. And that can be about a lot of things, but in general, we’re thinking about a loss of focus, a loss of perspective, really having maybe some unrealistic expectations for yourself or for others or for the future. And so, you know, when we have unrealistic expectations, that is just, it’s such a recipe for feeling worse about ourselves and certainly feeling like you know that that you failed, that you’re that you should, you have no business doing what you’re doing, and it’s and that might not necessarily be true, but it might be that you’ve set up the equation in a way that there’s no other answer that could result other than your the problem, right? And so that’s not a problem of capability or confidence. That is a problem of expectations, okay?

Dr. Melissa Smith 8:17
So those are some of the key symptoms that we want to pay attention to, to really answer this question of, are you experiencing a crisis of confidence? And so next, right? So that’s kind of our first step of assessment. And you know, if you answer the question, yes, I really am experiencing a confidence crisis. The next thing we really want to pay attention to is this question of, Why is this happening now, right? Or what can we understand about this? And there can be a lot of factors that can make us more vulnerable to that confidence crisis. So of course, when we’re looking at this, we want to understand context. We kind of want to wrap our hands around this confidence crisis and understand everything we can about it. Because when we can understand a problem, right, first of all, it often downsizes the problem. It kind of brings it into the appropriate scale and size for understanding, for making sense of, and then, of course, reflecting on and problem solving. And so why? Why might you be experiencing a crisis of confidence now?

Dr. Melissa Smith 9:27
So one of the big ones, and this is actually a nice sign of growth and development, is that you are facing new challenges, right? So you are stepping up to the plate for growth and for learning something new and doing something new, right? And just think about like as an adult, if you were to try to learn a musical instrument, right? And like you’ve never played before, you know you’re a newbie, right? A total novice. And do you think you would have much confidence in playing that musical instrument when you start out?

Dr. Melissa Smith 10:06
No, of course not. And if you have reasonable expectations, right, that I’m clueless and I’m here to learn, then you know you can, you can be playful about it, and your sense of identity and your self worth and confidence are not on the line, but anytime we sign up for growth or learning something new, doing something new, expect right, expect your confidence to be challenged. And that’s not necessarily a problem, because it is new. You are a novice. You do need to be pretty humble in order to learn what you need to learn. And so we want to normalize that feeling that that’s not necessarily wrong, but it doesn’t mean right. If you’re experiencing that, that crisis of confidence in the face of something new, just keep in mind that it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong right. Remind yourself that this is the path of growth. So some of my favorite research on learning really points to this, this truth that in order for learning to be effective, it’s got to be challenging. If you are really feeling comfortable in a class or, you know, in a new situation, you’re not doing it right, right? You’re there, you’re probably not learning what you need to and so that is something that I reminded myself of all the time, especially in my MBA program. And I was introduced to that research by one of one of my professors. He talked to us about it in class, and it was so helpful because it reset my expectations, right? And I recognize that, gosh, like, I don’t feel very confident in this area, and that probably means I’m right where I need to be. It also helped me to be more proactive and diligent, right? To, like, really be proactive about doing everything that I could to help myself. So if you’re feeling that confidence crisis in the face of growth and learning doing something new, just know you’re not alone. You’re probably right on track, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Dr. Melissa Smith 12:15
Okay, another answer to the question of, Why is this happening now, or what’s going on. What can we understand about the situation is that you’re facing stressors, right? Life is hard. It is one of the truths of this life. And so when we’re facing stressors, right? Just think about the term stressors or challenges. They require they require new action from us, or they require stretching and growing, and so when we face stressors, you absolutely can experience a crisis of confidence. Now it’s not a given. It really depends on the significance of the crisis, but right, for example, you’ll have people who you know, very confident, very competent in life. And let’s say they are hit with a, you know, a really devastating health diagnosis, or, you know, heaven forbid, they lose a loved one. You know, those experiences fundamentally transform people, and one of the ways that that can happen is facing those stressors leave us questioning life, right? We thought we knew life on life’s terms, and now this diagnosis or this loss has reconfigured the game, right? And it can lead people to questioning everything. And so certainly that is understandable, okay, so one of the other reasons why you might be experiencing confidence crisis is that you’re doing something you really care about. So anytime we’re engaged in an activity that is tied to purpose and tied to deep meaning, we’re going to have more of our sense of self tied to that right? And so if you feel like you’re stumbling, or you feel like you’re having a hard time, that can really equate to a confidence crisis, it’s also just a more vulnerable space to be in.

Dr. Melissa Smith 14:16
So even if you’re climbing that mountain, and you know, it’s not that you’re experiencing failures. It’s just, it’s just the effort of the climb and the vulnerability associated with it, right that can, if we’re not careful, can kick up some of that confidence crisis. But this is where we just want to be pretty gentle with ourselves and say, yeah, like, it’s understandable. I really care about this. And so that could be, what another reason that you are experiencing a confidence crisis? Another reason why you might be experiencing a confidence crisis is you’re overloading the situation emotionally. Now no one ever does that, right? That happens a lot, so, right? We can overload a situation by having unrealistic expectations. Like having unrealistic expectations is one of the recipes for misery, right? And if we think about, you know, the wisdom from Buddha and from mindfulness practices, it’s really learning to accept everything. It’s not caring what happens, and it doesn’t mean that we don’t care. It’s that we accept life on life’s terms, the minute we start inserting expectations that this has to happens and kind of this if then approach to life and to endeavors that is really a recipe for misery, and of course, makes it more likely that we’ll experience that confidence crisis. Another way that we can really overload a situation unnecessarily and with more emotionality is by tying our identity needs to the endeavor, right? And so that’s always a dangerous game, so we always want to protect our self worth and like this understanding that we have worth regardless of the achievements, regardless of whether our best efforts succeed or fail, that you have worth as a human on the planet, and that can help to protect you against experiencing that confidence crisis.

Dr. Melissa Smith 16:23
So another reason that this might be happening for you is that you’re a lonely change agent, right? So whether at home, whether it’s in a marriage, whether it’s with your family, whether it’s at work, whether it’s within a full organization, it is very challenging to be a change agent, and if you feel alone in that, meaning you’re the one tasked with making the change, or you don’t feel like you have a partnership in that change, it can be incredibly lonely, and it can feel like you’re swimming upstream and that everyone else is moving against you. And that is particularly true within a change or within an organization when a change is happening, because right, even when we recognize a change is important and good, ultimately, we still don’t like it in the near term, we still don’t want it to change how we have to do things. And so what does that mean? The change agent is often a target, and, you know, it’s not good, it’s not appropriate. But, you know, if you think about, okay, well, what are some of the activities that I’m doing? Am I trying to persuade someone who doesn’t want to be persuaded?

Dr. Melissa Smith 17:38
Or do I feel like I’m, you know, kind of getting undermined at every turn. Just know, it’s hard to be the only change agent. And so this, you know, of course, I’ll talk about this more next week, but this is where we really want to enlist more support, whether that’s in the organization or at home, or even just with networks and friends, where you can have some support and some you know, it can help to commiserate sometimes.

Dr. Melissa Smith 18:07
So the last reason that I want to talk about today in terms of, why is this happening now, right? Like, why might you be experiencing a confidence crisis, and that is, you’re doing too much now. This is a big one for leaders, because by uh, by definition right for most leaders, not every leader, but most leaders are doers, right? And especially we think about this in terms of entrepreneurs and small business owners, and it’s very easy to end up in a position where you’re doing too much. And so we think about that leading to a conference crisis, because you just, you can’t do it all right, obviously, and you get overwhelmed. But it’s easy to see yourself as the problem, rather than, oh gosh, this situation, like I’m trying to do too much, as the problem. And so we can kind of confuse that sometimes, which obviously isn’t very helpful for us. And so today, I shared with you some thoughts on this question of, are you experiencing a crisis of confidence? Just know, right, this happens for people, and knowing that can actually help kind of settle you from go. Can help to kind of calm that nervous system, and then can help you to really kind of make sense of what’s going on, so that you can discover the best way to help yourself, right?

Dr. Melissa Smith 19:34
So today we talked about some of the key symptoms of experiencing a crisis of confidence. And then we turned our attention to to why and what, right. So why is this happening now, and what can I understand about it? And we talked about several factors that can really contribute to you feeling like you’re experiencing a. Crisis confidence. And then, of course, I hope you will join me. Next week, I’m going to talk about five steps to help you overcome crisis confidence, crisis of confidence. And so there are things that you can do to help yourself. And this isn’t a situation where it’s like everything about the situation needs to change like the changes are external. Sometimes that’s true, but there are internal shifts that you can make to help yourself. And so we’ll get really practical with that, and really look at both external shifts and internal shift, shifts that can help you to move back into this seat of confidence and confidence so that you can do your best work, whether that is at work or at home.

Dr. Melissa Smith 20:44
So head on over to my website to check out the show notes with the resources for this episode at www.drmelissasmith.com/257-confidencecrisis. So one more time that’s www.drmelissasmith.com/257-confidencecrisis. Of course, I’d love to connect with you online. I’m @dr.melissasmith at Instagram. I always have more resources there. And I’d love to invite you to my email list at www.drmelissasmith.com, where, I promise I won’t burden you with emails, but about once a week, I’ll let you know what we’re talking about on the podcast, so that you can, you know, connect to some resources that may be helpful for you. And of course, I hope you will subscribe to the show wherever you listen to podcasts, and consider giving us a five star review. It really is great feedback for me, and it helps more people to discover the podcast. So in the meantime, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, remember love and work, work and love. That’s all there is until next time, take good care.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai