Episode 263: Why Gratitude?

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Dr. Melissa Smith 0:00
It’s that time of year when we turn our attention to gratitude. Are you feeling grateful? Well? Why choose gratitude and unconventional ways that you can be grateful for where you’re at in your life right now?

Dr. Melissa Smith 0:16
What does it mean to love and work well, and how do I pursue what truly matters. Working at the intersection of business and psychology, I help you answer these questions and more, so you can focus priorities, inspire change, lead with courage and live with more joy today. Hi, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, welcome to the pursue what matters podcast where we focus on what it takes to thrive in love and work. So tis the season for focusing on gratitude. So the first check is, do you feel grateful? Can you take a step back and have gratitude for your life, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the challenges? Right? We don’t need to have things working out perfectly in order to have gratitude. And in fact, gratitude is a powerful component of resilience, which actually helps us to face challenges. So today I want to share with you the science of gratitude. Why gratitude? Why would you choose to cultivate gratitude and then some maybe unconventional things that you can be grateful for, and I just want to express some things that I’m grateful for as I consider this time of year. So first of all, let’s turn our attention to the science of gratitude. I promise. I won’t. I won’t bore you too long, but I do just want to talk about, talk a little bit about the science of gratitude, because here’s the thing, it’s really fascinating. It is so, so helpful for us in so many ways. And so, you know, it can, you know, we kind of know, like, Okay, you should have a gratitude practice, but really understanding the science of gratitude and how it changes our brain, how it changes our functioning, can be very helpful. So let’s start with the science of gratitude. So first of all, gratitude offers us ways of embracing all that makes our lives what they are, right? So that comes to us from mindful.org which kind of sounds like very, very fuzzy, but it’s really this idea of learning to live life on life’s terms, so accepting the reality of your life, not trying to paper over or adopt a Pollyanna attitude, but being able to be grateful All Things Considered. Another way of thinking about this is welcoming everything and so, of course, gratitude is more than just a happy feeling for the parts of our lives that we’re happy with or that are going our way, but gratitude really encompasses so much more than that. It encompasses a willingness to expand our attention so that we perceive more of the goodness we are always receiving, right? So as humans, we have a negativity bias, which means we are attuned to negative stimuli. So if you have 10 positive experiences and one negative experience, your brain is going to latch on or velcro to that negative stimuli, whereas the positive stimuli is like Teflon and really just kind of slides away, we don’t notice it. And so a gratitude practice really helps us to cultivate this skill of noticing the good. And the assumption is that there’s a lot of good happening for each of us, but we need to develop eyes to see the good in our lives, and really help to kind of down shift our attention for the negative, because we’re not going to miss that anyway. And so really it is an important mindset shift that really benefits from consistent action. So this is why we want to cultivate a gratitude practice, because it really is training our brain to notice the good. And so there’s been a ton of research on the topic of gratitude over the past couple of decades, and it is one of those key factors. It shows up on every study of well being and happiness, and it really contributes significantly to individual well being and physical health. So if we think about a couple of the no brainers, right for health and well being, one is regular exercise, one is a mindfulness practice, and another one is a gratitude practice, and it’s something that we can all engage in. So some of the research has really focused on gratitude and our connection to one another, and so one of the ways that gratitude has been described is as social glue, right? That is really key to building and nurturing strong relationships. Relationships. So here’s an invitation, right? If you are discontent with your relationships, try gratitude. If you’re discontent with your relationships, do you have gratitude for those people in your life? So gratitude is social glue that really helps us to build and nurture strong relationships, and this is particularly true in our most important relationships, right, where we spend a lot of time with these folks, we see all of their annoying things, right? It’s really easy to get critical or complaining and to lose a sense of gratitude, which really helps us to nurture those relationships. So it’s really very powerful. So from Robert Emmons, he’s a professor of psychology at UC Davis, which is one of the, one of the places that a lot of this research is being done. I mean, it’s happening in a lot of places, but he talks about, he he defines gratitude as having two parts. So the first is an affirmation of goodness. So this idea that we can learn to wake up to the good around us and notice the gifts that we have received. So like I said, there’s a lot of good happening around each of us all the time, but do we have eyes to see them. And so this is where we’re really trying to overcome that negativity bias by cultivating an attention and an awareness of goodness. So this so that first component is an affirmation of goodness, and I love, I love that way that it’s described. And then the second part of gratitude is recognizing that the source of this goodness rests outside of oneself. So this idea that we every day, we are recipients of gifts from other people, sometimes this comes from a higher power, sometimes fate or the natural world. So one way to think about gratitude is that it helps us to realize that we wouldn’t be where we’re at without the help of others. And boy, isn’t that something good to pay attention to. So the the brain really benefits from from a gratitude practice in in so many ways, and I don’t want to get too lost in this, but I just want to identify three ways that gratitude benefits our brains. Okay, so if you’re looking like you’re kind of cynical, you’re doubting, why would I practice a gratitude? Why would I cultivate a gratitude practice? Here are three brain based ways that gratitude really helps us. So first of all, it can help relieve stress and pain. That sounds pretty good, right? Gratitude can help you cope with stress and pain more effectively. So this is actually a really big one, because it is the foundation for resilience. And so the regions associated with gratitude are part of the neural networks that light up when we socialize and experience pleasure. Do you want more connection to pleasure? Okay, gratitude is helpful for that. So these regions are also heavily connected to the parts of the brain that control our emotional regulation, such as heart rate, arousal levels, right? So think about the nervous system. Nervous system regulation stress relief and pain reduction and so feeling grateful and recognizing help from others creates a more relaxed body state. So it moves us to nervous system regulation. It also helps us to to really to access the benefits of a lowered stress response, right? So this is really cool, so one of the ways that gratitude benefits our brains is by helping to relieve stress and pain. Second, gratitude can improve our health over time. This sounds pretty good, so when we think about the brain’s opioid network, so the mu opioid these are kind of the organic opioid networks or receptors in the brain. These are activated during close interpersonal touch and relief from pain. So you think about close connection, physical touch with others and really helped us to be protected as humans. And so the data really suggests that because gratitude relies on brain networks associated with social bonding and stress relief. This may explain, in part, how grateful feelings lead to health benefits over time. And so you can think about gratitude as a

Dr. Melissa Smith 9:53
as a protective factor for our physical health, not just our mental health, but also our physical health. And then the last thing that I want to share in terms of how gratitude benefits our brains is that it can help those with depression. So do you have depression or anxiety? Well, let’s cultivate a gratitude practice. So one of the ways that a gratitude practice can help with depression is that we’re strengthening different neural networks. So this is where we really think about the role of neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain, changing the way we learn, changing our openness to learning. And so one of the ways that I often think about gratitude is it opens us up to perspective, right? So we become more expansive in our appreciation for life, for our relationships, for all of the gifts that we enjoy every single day. And again, the other thing is like developing eyes to see the good. And so that’s like, really wonderful. And you know, these are simple ways that we can help ourselves. So before I share some of my personal thoughts on gratitude, I just want to share four ways that you can train your brain to practice more gratitude. So first, take time to notice what’s around you, so we can think about this in a nutshell as a mindfulness practice mindfulness and gratitude go hand in hand. So practicing mindfulness helps us to tune into the present moment. When we do that, we start to see and notice all the good things in our life. So when I do that, right, I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I if I can take a moment and pause, I can see the beautiful mountains in the distance, which I feel so grateful for. It calls up memories of being in the mountains. I can be really grateful for my lovely, temperature regulated office with nice windows that protect me from the elements, but it requires slowing down. It requires bringing in mindfulness or awareness in the moment. And again, it’s eyes to see. So when we think about a gratitude practice, we’re thinking about practices that help us to slow down and bring attention to the world around us. A second way to train your brain for more gratitude is to practice gratitude for the little things. Right? So, right? I just talked about being protected from the elements, and obviously that’s not a little thing, but it’s something that, like many of us don’t really think about, but we want to feel grateful for the small things we do every day. A good meal to eat. One of the things I’m I’m often grateful for is having a water bottle full of nice cold water ice, cold full of ice. I love that, and it’s one of those small pleasures that I can enjoy every single day, and it makes me grateful for my refrigerator and for my freezer, for my water bottle and these right, like these small appreciations lead to a contented life right where we’re grateful and we have Peace in our in our lives. I love a great pen, and I’m pretty picky about my pen. It’s not an expensive pen at all. I get them at Amazon, but it just feels so good having gratitude for that. I’m grateful for the opportunity that I have to share some of my purpose and passion with you each week on the podcast. So we pay attention to the small things, right? Like having comfortable shoes to wear, and, you know, a day where you’re in really uncomfortable shoes is really all you need to cultivate some gratitude for that. But I want you to pay attention to the small things. Sometimes, maybe you’ll notice this, if you know you have, you know, a home repair issue at your home, or you’re traveling and you don’t have some of your same conveniences, it really points to gratitude for everything that you have. So, for example, with the ice. So I was traveling not too long ago in Europe, and I swear they don’t know about ice, like it’s not a thing. You really can’t get it anywhere. And so, like, I’ve kind of settled myself that there are many gifts of Europe. Ice is not one of those. And so, and I love I love Europe, and I’m fine. I’m very happy while I’m there, right as I should be, but boy, it makes me so grateful for ice, which sounds like like the most ridiculous thing, but it is one of those things that I really appreciate so and and here’s the thing, like, I know, like, it, it. It feels a little silly, but I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to, mostly Americans in Europe, who are feeling the same gratitude for ice. So it is actually a pretty common theme I have I have noticed in my travels. So we want to cultivate gratitude for the little things every single day. So a third way that we can train our brain to practice more gratitude is to share our gratitude with our loved ones. So it’s great to feel that gratitude in your heart, those warm feelings towards other people, but we can take that up a notch by sharing that gratitude. And the research is clear on this. By sharing our gratitudes with others, it actually like it makes the gratitude grow exponentially. It’s also helpful for others who are receiving this great feedback, and so start noticing the kind acts of your loved ones, right? And this is something like, I’ll do this occasionally, where I’ll just, you know, I’ll just sit down, right, slow down, take a few moments and just think about the gifts of my life. And I’ll just think about the day that has just passed. And, my goodness, like, before too long, I have got such a long list, and sometimes it’s oh gosh, like, you know, my son stopped by and, you know, helped to unload the dishwasher, or, you know, I was able to visit with a friend at the mailbox, or I went on my evening walk with my guy friend. It’s like there are so much goodness around us all the time, and so, you know, paying attention to the kindness of loved ones and thanking them, right, being courteous, being grateful, and really expressing that that can really shift our relationship towards more love and affection and obviously appreciation. But right, you kind of have to train yourself to see that and to look for it. It’s there, but you gotta, we gotta look for it. And then the fourth way that I want to share today, ways to train your brain, to practice more gratitude, and this is all from mindful.org It’s a very good resource if you want to read more is to spread gratitude via your social media platforms. Social media can be a force for good, but it really depends on what our intention is, what our focus is. And boy, this is so true when it comes to gratitude. I have been touched so many times by, like, really beautiful things I’ve seen on social media, someone being kind to one another, to another person, someone like going out of their way to be helpful. And, you know, people expressing their gratitudes for other others, and so that you know gratitude can be contagious. So when we share on social media or when we have a practice of gratitude, it really can rub off on others. And think about this also, when you pay attention to who you’re spending time with, are they resentful? Are they grumpy? Are they critical, or do they have an attitude towards gratitude? That really makes a big difference. And so I just want to end right like, this is a season of gratitude. And you know, I certainly have so much gratitude for the gifts of my life. And so I just want to share a couple of thoughts. So as we consider this season of gratitude, I just want to invite you to consider what you can be grateful for, and recognizing that there might be some unconventional things that you can be grateful for. And I just want to talk a little bit about shadow and light, right? As humans, we have both. We have shadow, we have light. We have things that are hard, we have things that are wonderful. And each of us right probably have some some some things about ourselves that we don’t always appreciate, or we see them as weaknesses or challenges that we’d like to overcome. But I, I would

Dr. Melissa Smith 19:08
invite you to maybe take some time in the next week or so over the holiday and consider if you can be grateful for for the things that you see as weaknesses in yourself, the impediments that you recognize that you have to your growth. Is there a way to welcome everything when we can welcome everything? We really cultivate both gratitude and resilience, and so it might seem kind of strange to think about being grateful for perceived weaknesses or challenges, but there’s real power in that, and so I want to lead by example today by sharing some of the things that I have learned to be grateful for about myself that I. Challenges, things that I really love to change, but I can still recognize the gifts those challenges have brought to my life. And you know, ultimately, I think that’s been helpful for me. So let me just share a couple so I can be thankful for my anxious mind. So I’ve probably shared before, I’m wired for anxiety, and I have done a lot over the years to, you know, help myself to shift out of that that that propensity towards anxiety, but it certainly is a propensity, right? And we see that the differences in individuals, but I can also be great, right? Like even as I engage in practices that help me to cultivate a calm mind, I can still recognize some of the gifts that come with having an anxious mind. So first of all, I am very vigilant. I don’t miss much. I am very aware of the world around me, right? And sometimes that can lead to being overwhelmed, right and having more anxiety, but it also helps me to really see a lot of what’s going on around me, and in many ways, that’s been a real gift for me, that vigilance is a real strength in some of the activities that I do. Right? So I’m very good at remembering things once I’ve seen them. I’m very good at holding on to things in my memory to take care of later, right? And that is absolutely a result of my anxious mind. I’m very detail oriented, and that’s been a real resource to me. I think about my years in graduate school boy, that detail orientation was such a gift to me and right when with any of our challenges, you know, we want to become more effective, right, so that we’re not impeded, but we also, we want to kind of keep it in this middle lane where we’re not too hard on ourselves, but we can also see the gifts, And while always kind of working towards strengthening ourselves. And so, like I said, I rarely miss things, and I can, I can, I can attribute that to my anxious mind, and I can be grateful for that. And so this idea of holding both right, there are things about my anxious mind like I would love to get rid of, and I can also hold some of the gratitude of the ways that it has served me and and tries to serve me. So another thing that I can be grateful for, and definitely am grateful for, is my sensitive heart. Now, there were years where I saw that as a real problem, a real vulnerability, like I don’t want to be too vulnerable. It can be really painful. Sometimes I worry that I care too much, or it feels like, gosh, like, why am I feeling this so much more deeply, maybe than other people? And so certainly there have been times where I’ve seen that as a liability, but when I can settle in and take a step back, I can see so many gifts of having a sensitive heart. So first of all, I really see the needs of others, right? I think it’s one of the reasons I was drawn to being a psychologist, is I have this awareness of others and can really empathize with people. It’s just, it’s something that has always felt very natural to me, and I think it’s part of my temperament, and that’s been such a beautiful gift in my work and in my relationships, and I’m so grateful for that. Having a very sensitive heart has always helped have has also helped me to be aware of boundaries. So when we have a sensitive heart, we need a little more protection around that heart, so you you’ll have an even greater need for attention to boundaries. So sometimes asking myself the question, what is mine to hold and what is the other person’s to hold? Because if we don’t have a good boundary around that sensitive heart, we might get enmeshed with people, we might try and solve their problems, we might try to do too much. And so having a sensitive heart has really led me to practicing good boundaries. And I think you know, if you if you talk to people who are close to me or know me really well, they would probably all agree I’m really good at boundaries. It’s something that I’ve really practiced a lot, and you know, it’s certainly something that is foundational to effective living, but I also found it as a survival mechanism, like I needed to develop good boundaries, or my poor, sensitive heart. Going to be able to take all the pain and the suffering of people I was working with, or just life in general. And so having having good boundaries really has been self protective, so that I can fully engage my sensitive heart without being overwhelmed or undone by that. So hopefully that that makes sense.

Dr. Melissa Smith 25:25
Another thing that I can be grateful for is a strong achievement drive. Now, being an achiever is a beautiful thing, but let me tell you, there’s a real shadow side to that. Right. We are the people that are burned out. We are the people that are relentless perfectionists. We are the people that never know when to rest or let it go right so we’ve got the minds are always running and in some ways like a bit of discontent, because that’s one of the features that kind of drives an achiever to achieving. And so, you know, there are great gifts of of having a strong achievement drive, but boy, it can really undermine well being. It can undermine connections. It can undermine this ability to have peace and calm in your life. And so those are things I’ve really needed to be aware of and and so right? Because of that strong achievement drive, it’s really forced me to be very intentional about balance. Because, let me tell you, and maybe, if you know me, you know this balance does not come naturally to me. And there’s a reason I named the clinic balance because that’s I recognize, that’s what I needed, and it was something that was so important and yet so elusive when it comes to kind of how I am oriented to life, and so I’ve had to be really intentional about cultivating balance and regulating resources and coping and scheduling rest right like I have to schedule rest, Because that’s not something that comes naturally to me. So some of the some of the benefits, though, of having a strong achievement drive, besides developing some skills around it, of how to cope with it, is I don’t forget goals, like I usually, I usually hold on to my goals and right like whether that achievement looks like what it’s set out to look like is another story, but something that was so important and yet so elusive when it comes to kind of how I am oriented to life, and so I’ve had to be really intentional about cultivating balance and regulating resources and coping and scheduling rest, right? Like I have to schedule rest, because that’s not something that comes naturally to me. So some of the, some of the benefits, though, of having a strong achievement drive, besides developing some skills around it, of how to cope with it, is I don’t forget goals, like I usually, I usually hold on to my goals and right like whether that achievement looks like what it’s set out to look like is another story. But I’m not one that will set a goal in January and then forget about it by February, like that’s on my mind, and I can be relentless in my pursuit of goals, and that’s been a real strength for me. It’s it’s helped me to have a lot of grit in life. It’s also can be really problematic, because sometimes it means, like this single like focus and like other things in your life just disappear. And of course, that can be a problem if you want happy relationships, that can be a real problem. But because of this strong achievement drive, like I said, I’ve had to be super intentional about rest, about slowing down, about coping effectively, because, like I said, it doesn’t come naturally. I also just want to share some gratitude that I have for for others, right? So, so I just shared some of the gratitude that I have for myself and some of you know, some of my shortcomings, some of the challenges that I deal with, but even finding finding gratitude in that being able to welcome everything. And now I want to turn my attention to some of the gratitude for others, and my hope is that this can spark some of your own reflections in your own life. And then I’ll wrap up by sharing some of my gratitude in the world of work. Because right, we’re we’re here to talk about leadership and leading well and pursuing what matters. So when I think about other people. I just I’m so grateful for others generosity. I can look through my life and just see so many touch points of people sharing their gifts with me, being patient, being very forgiving. Because, boy, I need a lot of forgiveness. In my life, because I get a lot of things wrong a lot of the time, I have benefited so much from the gifts that other people have, their time, their talents, their skills, people, they these gifts have helped me to expand my perspectives, right? So the teaching of other people, and I’m so grateful for loving connection with others, it brings such joy to my life, and this is also something that doesn’t always come naturally to me, like I love connecting with people. And you know, tend to have, you know, deep and compelling relationships. But if I’m not careful, right, like that, achievement drive can really undermine my attention to cultivating loving connection. And so I’m so grateful for the patience of people in my life, and you know, trying to be intentional about making time for that loving connection with other people. So just want to finish up by sharing some gratitude about work, right? And work can be such a big stressor for all of us, and yet, if we look around and if we give ourselves a minute to just take a step back, expand our perspective, right? That’s one of the key things. With gratitude, we can find that there’s so much to be grateful for. And so with the end of this season, and as we’re in this season of gratitude at the end of the year, I really want to express my gratitude to you for sharing your time with me, opening your mind to some of the thoughts and considerations that I bring to the podcast. I’m so grateful for deep compelling work. So on the one hand, right? Sometimes deep compelling work can be super stressful, right? And that’s true. I’ve certainly felt that. But here’s what I’m grateful for, in that it’s always meaningful our team. We know that we’re making a difference every day. We see it and that like, what a gift, because not everyone has that direct link where they they can see the difference that their efforts make. It’s really it’s really beautiful. One of the other things about work that I’m so grateful for is it pushes me to presence, right? And having an anxious mind I’m often future oriented, which can leave me distracted and disconnected from presence, and yet, the work that I do really, really pushes me to presence, and that has been such a gift. And what I’ve recognized, I recognize this very early in my training, is that I must be fully present if I am to be effective, right to show up for people with full bodied attention is essential, like it is critical to being able to help people with their most challenging issues. And so this is a skill that I I saw the need for early, and really have worked diligently to cultivate it, because it doesn’t come naturally, but it has been one of the greatest gifts of my life, because what it means is that I can really be with people in their concerns and in their victories and in their struggles, and what a gift that is, and what a gift that has been to me. Another thing that I’m so grateful for in the world of work is that it’s purpose driven, right? Like I mentioned, we can see our team. Can see how we make a difference, and that’s beautiful, like whether it’s with our team members, whether it’s with clients that we work with. You know, we have a front row seat. I every day I have a front row seat to courage, to change and to resilience, and so being able to work with people in these compelling ways reminds me of all the good in life and reminds me of the value of gratitude and resilience. The last thing that I want to share is gratitude for the natural world, the beauty of life and the rhythms of nature. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, I don’t know, but I just I really feel in awe when I can be out in the natural world, whether that’s taking a walk on the street or whether that’s hiking deep in the mountains, right? So I have this paradoxical experience of feeling tiny and insignificant and. That part of a greater whole, ultimately connected to a greater whole, and that is so refreshing and really draws me to spirituality. It draws me to my faith.

Dr. Melissa Smith 35:14
But being able to engage in the natural world, in particular, through my body, through through physical activities, has been really beautiful. So learning to push yourself. So earlier this year, my guy friend and I did a really extensive hike over it was, like over two weeks. It was very physically challenging. It was beautiful. It was awe inspiring. It’s it was. It’s been a miracle for me in my life. And I learned so much during that time in nature, like our like full days out, out in the mountains, out in the high mountains, away from everyone, and really learning to get quiet in a deeper way, reminding myself that I can do hard things, that I can cope with discomforts, and that our bodies, as humans, our bodies are so incredibly capable and often right. We don’t, we don’t really develop the strengths of our body, because we live these very comfortable lives. And so this the value of discomfort, the value of pushing to greater capability and greater strength and greater endurance. And that, as we do that, that translates into cognitive strength. It translates into greater resilience. It translates into into deeper nervous system regulation. And it’s so powerful. I love being in the mountains and hiking that there are so many VISTAs to see and that the only way you get those views is a result of your efforts, right? And that’s like, that’s an important lesson in life, and that that good things are worth the effort, and that we shouldn’t shrink from responsibility. We shouldn’t shrink from challenging ourselves. These are some of the most powerful gifts of this life. So

Dr. Melissa Smith 37:27
being in the natural world ultimately cultivates a lot of humility for me, because I recognize I’m nothing against Mother Nature, and so having a very healthy respect, having some caution, some wisdom, some care is really that’s a very powerful lesson every time I’m in the natural world. So I hope that what you’ve heard today can help you as you reflect on your own life. I hope that you’ll take some time during this season of gratitude to really reflect on the gifts of your life and that you will consider what may be a gratitude practice that you could cultivate. It doesn’t have to be rigid, it doesn’t have to be fancy or sophisticated, but we really want to think in terms of opening our eyes to the good around us, an affirmation of the good in life, and a recognition that you’re surrounded by good, the good efforts of others, of the natural world, of life itself. So I hope that you will take some time and and consider the gifts of your life. In the meantime, please head on over to my website to check out the show notes with the resources for this episode at www.drmelissasmith.com/263-whygratitude One more time that’swww.drmelissasmith.com/263-whygratitude I hope you’ll consider joining my email list, where every week you’ll hear a little leadership quote or information.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai