Episode 261: Leadership Survival Skills Pt. 1

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Dr. Melissa Smith 0:00
Do you feel stuck in your leadership? Maybe you’re just in survival mode. Well, join me today, because you are meant to thrive. You are meant to lead, and you’re not meant to do it alone.

Dr. Melissa Smith 0:14
Hi, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, welcome to the Pursue What Matters podcast where we focus on what it takes to thrive in love and work. So if you’re like many leaders, you probably feel at your limit, at capacity, overwhelmed, feeling like, how can you make it all work? Well, it’s not uncommon to move into survival mode at different points in our life, whether that’s relative to leadership responsibilities, challenges at home, global stressors, right? Like we’ve got a lot going on, a lot to contend with, and so when we recognize the signs of being in survival mode, which is something I talked about in recent podcasts, this is where we you know, we don’t want to give up on ourselves. We don’t want to throw everything overboard, but this is a time to get quiet and really focus on your foundation. So what is your foundation? Your Foundation are those non negotiable skills that really help you to do more than just survive, that really help you to thrive in life and in leadership. And so today I’m going to bring to you leadership, survival skills part one, and we’re going to focus on very specific skills that help you to develop a strong foundation to help you thrive in life, in love and in leadership. So I hope that, I hope that you’re excited. I am. I’m really passionate about these skills.

Dr. Melissa Smith 2:00
Okay, so let’s start with our first leadership survival skill. So first of all, there are seven skills that we’re going to talk about again. These are foundational to well being to really set you up for success in life and leadership. And conveniently enough, they all start with the letter S. So hopefully that can be helpful for you, just to keep track of them. So the first leadership survival skill is to simplify. Now, if you’re like most high achieving folks, when things get tough, you probably you probably speed up, you probably try to do more, push harder. It’s a really common pattern. And yet, when we are contending with a lot of challenges, a lot of complexity and a lot of stress, speeding up is the last thing we want to do, because all it does is it guarantees our crashing and burning more quickly, right? So we really want to slow things down. I’ll talk about that a little bit more moving forward. But to with our first skill, we want to simplify. So in the face of stressors, right our brain and our body really go into System overdrive. There can be a great sense of overwhelm. And so in any sort of stress coping, the first thing we want to do is simplify. We kind of want to bring some containment to the situation at hand, because, you know, the nature of certain stressors right there. They’re so overwhelming, it overwhelms our capacity to cope. Our brain can’t process it, our body can’t process it. And so one of the first things we want to do is simplify that helps us to first of all catch our breath, but then to also bring our executive functioning back online and engage problem solving skills for the task at hand. So a couple things that I want to talk about with this skill include to First, simplify your schedule, and then second, to avoid rigid expectations. So I’m sure no one else can relate to that. So as you know, as we focus on simplifying your schedule, I want you to think of this in terms of your activities. So not just what you’re doing, but think about this also in terms of your relationships, right, and also in terms of decision making, right. So we really want to simplify all three areas here as much as possible, in order to give your brain and your body an opportunity to recover from the chaos that’s been reigning supreme and so when stressed, even the simplest decisions become challenging for tax brains. And so again, we want to simplify things. And so one thing to pay attention to is that life transitions can be particularly stressful. This is something that you know, psychologists have studied for a long. Time, and we didn’t need psychologists to tell us this, but that any sort of life transition, even when it’s exciting, even when it’s anticipated, even when it’s hoped for, can be very stressful because it requires shifts in our functioning. It requires shifts in integration, and so especially if you’re looking at transitions, maybe a new job, a new responsibility, a new baby, at home, a move. This is where simplifying schedules can make all the difference for really thriving through these major life events, rather than stumbling and, you know, falling into survival mode. So it’s also, you know, important to remember that these welcome changes are also stressful, and if you don’t anticipate that, right, the stressors can really catch you off guard. You can start to question yourself, what’s wrong with me? You can doubt your decision, or you can doubt the anticipated event, and so we don’t want to do that. We want you to be a friend of yourself, but we really want to think about a simplified schedule. This is where it’s really this is a very good time to strengthen your muscle of saying no, right? So you might be really good at it. You might be really lousy at it, but simplification requires saying no more than yes in your life. And so being able to get curious about what makes it hard for you to say no, really being able to respect your needs and build space for those Okay, so the second component of simplify that I want to talk about is to avoid rigid expectations. And boy, oh boy. This is a time. This is a way that we can really get tripped up. So I like to talk all the time about flexible structure, and I get that that’s a, you know, that’s that’s an oxymoron. It’s definitely paradoxical, but it really is the kind of schedule we want you to adopt for yourself. And so as humans, we all benefit from some structure. As humans, we also benefit from some flexibility, right? So we are novelty seeking animals, and we also thrive with consistency. And so we don’t want a rigid structure, right? That makes it very difficult for us to respond and to take advantage of opportunities, but we don’t want to abandon structure, because that’s really a recipe for chaos. And so a consistent, flexible schedule for yourself is really the path to thriving. And so, for example, when it comes to coping with stressors, predictability is an antidote to stress, and consistency calms a stress mind. So if you’re facing some big challenges, do whatever you can to develop a little more consistency or predictability in your schedule. It can be as simple as you know what? At three o’clock I take a break and meditate for 10 minutes, right? It doesn’t take much, but having these touch points in your day, in your week that help you to just simplify and settle can be really helpful, right? We also want to pay attention to what we’re not taking on, right again, what we’re saying no to, or what we’re resisting. So this is not the time to tackle a new hobby, or to make elaborate gourmet dinners after work, unless, of course, cooking is stress relieving for you, but we want to think simple, consistent and predictable. Consider what has been helpful to you in the past, and go back to basics in terms of simplifying your routines.

Dr. Melissa Smith 8:39
So that’s our first leadership survival skill, is to simplify. And so next, I want to talk about the second leadership survival skill, which is support. We are social animals. We thrive in connection. And when we don’t have meaningful connection in our life, this is a high risk for all cause, morbidity and mortality. It’s that important. So when it comes to support, I want to talk about three things, and this really kind of spans both personal and professional. So the first thing we want to talk about is to relinquish and delegate. Second is to assess and advocate, and third is to reconnect and prioritize. So what do I mean by that? So you know, when we think about support, SOS right? Maybe you’ve heard of this. This was first used by ships at sea, but SOS is the internationally recognized signal for distress, and it is a survival skill used to call for help, right? We’ve we’re all pretty familiar with that. So you as a leader may believe that you shouldn’t need support, that it’s your role to provide support to others, or that you should be able to do it on your own, but the reality is that you were never meant to lead alone. You’re not Superwoman. You’re not Superman, right? All leaders need support, and you are no exception. So this is where we really invite you to have some wisdom, to reach out for support, and knowing that this can really make all the difference. I know for myself, right? Like long leadership can feel really lonely, but to be able to connect with other leaders, other people who are dealing with challenges. It is so comforting because I know I’m not alone. It also helps me to see my own challenges with more perspective, right? And so often I end up giving myself a little more credit than I would if I’m just kind of, you know, plugging away trying to tackle a challenge on my own. So when it comes to support, I first want to talk about relinquishing and delegating, right? And so we want to think about this in terms of self, other and tasks. So, you know, first of all, reaching out for support can feel pretty vulnerable, especially if you’re worried about image management or how you’re perceived by others. And so the first invitation is really to relinquish the need to be seen as having it all together. And this is, you know, easier said than done, and just reminding yourself that, of course, you’re competent and capable, but you’re not perfect, and there’s a big difference there. And we know from the leadership research that leaders who ask for help have more respect by those that they lead. And so there is a strong business case for vulnerability. That’s just one snippet of some of that research. But when it comes to relinquishing and delegate. We want to relinquish control in three areas, self, others and tasks, right? So, first, we want to relinquish the need to be seen as always in control, because, of course, it will prevent you from receiving the support you need to be successful. Second, we want to relinquish the need to control others, right? Like that’s not a thing. People really do not take well to that when we try to control others, it prevents them from learning to lead effectively. We know that micromanagement breeds resentment while undermining the development of those you lead. It’s not a good pattern. And then right the third is we want to relinquish control of tasks, so the mark of an effective leader includes the willingness to delegate. That doesn’t mean that we give away accountability, because that’s an important leadership characteristic, but delegation is an act of trust. It is an act of accountability, and it’s such an important part of leadership development. So when it comes to delegation, don’t deprive those you lead from these opportunities. It’s good for their development and it’s good for yours. So failure to delegate is, in a very real way, a failure of leadership.

Dr. Melissa Smith 13:01
So we want to use delegation as a tool to assess the growth and the development of team members. There are opportunities for more challenging tasks and their need for more support. So delegation can be a really important assessment tool, in addition to, you know, helping to be more efficient and effective in teams getting things done. And so, you know, finally, we want to consider relinquishing control of certain tasks, either at work or home, to others who can do them capably, right, not perfectly, but capably. And so outsourcing can be a really beautiful thing, so let’s not shy away from it next when we think about support, I want you to think in terms of assessing and advocating. So the invitation here is to take a clear eyed needs, assessing tasks and their need for more support. So delegation can be a really important assessment tool, in addition to, you know, helping to be more efficient and effective in teams getting things done. And so, you know, finally, we want to consider relinquishing control of certain tasks, either at work or home, to others who can do them capably, right, not perfectly, but capably. And so, outsourcing can be a really beautiful thing, so let’s not shy away from it next when we think about support, I want you to think in terms of assessing and advocating. So the invitation here is to take a clear eyed needs assessment to help you determine what you need in term in terms of specific needs, okay? So whether at work or at home, it’s important to consider the kind of support needed. So some examples, practical, physical, emotional, logistical, right? And maybe if you’re feeling overwhelmed by that, just pick one area, right? Like, if I what, what would be one thing that could. Make your your return from work at the end of the day easier, right? So sometimes it’s like, I just need 10 minutes to just kind of clear my head. It might be I need someone to start dinner. It could be I need someone to help with the carpool on, you know, Thursday nights. So we want to get really practical, very specific and behavioral, so that we can indeed work with the first principle of simplifying. We also want you to self reflect about your needs, and then, of course, communicate these needs clearly to those in your corner, so that they can show up for you effectively. Sometimes people just don’t know what we need because we assume they should know, or we haven’t communicated it clearly. And once you’ve clearly identified your needs, be willing to advocate for yourself and your team. Sometimes your advocacy is on behalf of those you lead. Sometimes it’s on behalf of you.

Dr. Melissa Smith 15:57
So recognize that setting boundaries and identifying what you can’t or won’t do is just as essential as asking for what you need. Okay, so be willing to ask for what you need, both at home and at work. And so we want you to take a couple minutes and assess and then advocate for your needs, and then, as it relates to the second skill of support, the last invitation is to help you to reconnect and prioritize. So I want you to take time to identify how you can stay connected to those who matter most, both at work and at home. Because, you know, I don’t know if you’re like me, but it is so easy to just get tossed in the tumble of day to day tasks and obligations, and then like to look up a month later, it’s like, gosh, I haven’t talked to this friend, you know, in weeks, or this family member. And so being really intentional about connecting with others, right, both at work and at home, taking the time to sit down and visit with someone more than just a passing Hello, that can be really helpful. So what can you do to cultivate ongoing connection, ensure clear communication and maintain interactions, to keep your relationships strong? So sometimes we think about lunch meetings or date nights, so adding them to your schedule so it can help you to support your goal of being more intentional and identifying who you want to stay connected to. Maybe there are some people that kind of need to move out of that closest circle of connection and then just getting practical about like how you can make that happen, whether it is setting a recurring date once a month with a friend, a lunch date, or something like that. But we want to pay attention to who, what and how. So who do we want to connect with? Who do we want to prioritize? What? What do we want to do? What does that look like and then how? And that’s just the logistics of of getting it onto your schedule without it overwhelming you. Okay, so that is our second leadership survival skill, which is support.

Dr. Melissa Smith 18:08
So now let’s talk about our third leadership survival skill, which is self care. Of course, you knew that that had to show up here. Now there, there are books and books and books about self care. I could spend hours and hours talking to you about self care, and I’m pretty passionate and geeky about it, so I really could, but I won’t do that for our purposes. I just want to talk with you about self care in three primary areas. So first of all, nutrition, second of all, exercise, and third, distress tolerance skills, right? If we were to try and take in more than that, you’d be stressed out by self care. And that’s the last thing that we that we want, right? And self care can be a really squirrely term that can be challenging to pin down. So, you know, we want to, we want to really think about those activities that help to sustain you, help you to reset, help you to cope and to thrive rather than just survive. And so you know three, you know, if we think about three legs of a stool, of self care, nutrition, exercise and distress tolerance skills are really, really key. And so of course, I could do a deep dive on all of these, but let’s just think about some basics in each of these areas. So first of all, with nutrition, the first invitation is to resist extreme measures. We live in a culture of extreme measures, diet mentality, all or nothing, thinking, and you know, our bodies don’t do well at those extremes. So we really want to think about resisting extreme measures and really focusing on moderation, moderation in all things. So we, you know, we think about having color on our plate. We think about balancing the macro nutrients, protein, carbs and fat, so that we’re really, you know, able to connect with some good nutrition there. We also the second invitation is to respond to hunger, fullness cues. So our society, and you know, the way that our food system is set up, it really moves us away from awareness of hunger, fullness cues. And so the invitation here is to start to get in touch with your hunger fullness cues. And this can be as simple as you know before you sit down to eat a meal on a scale of one to 10, identifying how hungry you are. So, you know, 10 being like, famished. I’d eat anything put in front of me and just see, like, Okay, how hungry Am I going into meals? Because that’s gonna make a difference of whether you overshoot, overeat, that sort of thing. And then also, just doing a quick assessment of your fullness after a meal. And again, this can be on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being totally, absolutely stuff. And so just starting to develop a little more awareness of what’s going on physiologically for you can help help to guide you in some of those food choices. So the third invitation that I have for you around nutrition is just an invitation to gentle nutrition. Like I said, we live in a society of extremes when it comes to diet, nutrition, you know, weight loss, drugs, all of that and moderation is best for us as humans, and that’s very true when it comes to nutrition. So we think about consistent, practical health promoting practices that really support you listening to and responding appropriately to your body’s cues, and so we want to prioritize eating whole foods, fresh fruits and vegetables, and really keeping your intake of water and fiber up. These are gentle steps that just require a little bit of awareness, and are really focused on balance and moderation. It’s not that hard. I think we make nutrition way more complicated than it needs to be. And a lot of a lot of people out there are talking on the fringes, and we want to talk about in the middle of the bell curve, like, what are the practices that will really make the biggest difference in terms of helping you to be healthy and strong and fit.

Dr. Melissa Smith 22:46
So next, when it comes to self care, I want to talk about exercise. Exercise is so key. I talk a lot about this in other places, so I’m not going to say much about it here, but I do want to talk about three forms of exercise that can really be foundational for helping you to thrive. The first is cardiovascular exercise, right? So we want to strive for at least 20 minutes of cardio most days. This really helps to protect our heart health. Exercise should challenge you and elevate your heart rate in order to be effective, cardiovascular exercise makes sure that we can face life’s challenges. And so we’re really paying attention to our cardiovascular health, which is full body health, right? But we need to push and exert ourself in this effort. So keeping an eye on your heart rate can be really helpful on that if your heart rate is not elevating when you’re doing cardiovascular exercise, you are not benefiting your cardiovascular system, and so we do want an elevated heart rate in in keeping with sound exercise recommendations. Of course, consult with your physician before you try something new, and get some recommendations about exercise, if it could be helpful for you. Second is, I want to talk about strength training. So it’s not enough just to do cardio. You’re going to leave some benefits on the table, and you open yourself up to some some vulnerabilities if you’re not careful. So it’s often overlooked by people. They’re like, all I have is time. All I have time for is cardio. But strength training is really important in terms of our metabolic health, great bone density, muscle strength, of course, and and just overall, overall well, being right, like we sleep better, nutrition is more effective, thinking is better and strength training doesn’t have to be pumping iron in the gym three times a week or anything like that. These could be simple body weight exercises at home with the. Hands, or a small set of hand weights, but we really want to aim for two to four strength training sessions per week and really focus on all major muscle groups. So you could, you know, you could do an upper body split, a lower body split, but you may want to consider consulting with a certified trainer if you’re not familiar with this, because, of course, you don’t want to injure yourself, but some form of strength training is really helpful, right? Like doing some push ups at home. That’s strength training really, really good for for our health and well being. And then the last component of exercise that I’d like to talk about is known as neat. So need is an acronym, and it is known as non exercise activity, thermo thermogenesis, right? And so what, what is this? Right? This is, this is the impact of non exercise activities. So it’s all of the activities of daily living that require energy, but would not be considered formal exercise. So for instance, taking the stairs instead of the elevator. You might not think that that can make a big difference, but it does, because it all helps to really drive the impact of neat, which is significant. So we think about steps. We think about getting steps in. We think about not being sedentary all day, taking an evening stroll with a loved one, playing with your kids in the backyard. You know, being on your feet a little bit more. All of these activities really translate into greater health and well being. These are health protective activities that really can make a big difference. And so all of these activities, so cardiovascular strength training and need really can add up to benefit both physical and emotional health, which is really what we care about when it comes to self care and thriving. People who regularly exercise and have an active lifestyle, are happier, of course, they have fewer health concerns, they enjoy more positive relationships, and they have a greater sense of purpose in their lives. And so in a very real way, balanced exercise is foundational to self care.

Dr. Melissa Smith 27:15
Okay, so now let’s talk about the last component of self care, which is distress tolerance skills. So there’s so much to be said here, but distress tolerance skills are really those skills, those resources that we call on to really help us to settle our nervous system response. So when we face stressors, right, our nervous system is activated, and that’s good and right. But if we don’t have some Distress tolerance skills in place, our bodies can remain in this activated state chronically, and when we’re not actually facing a stressor, but our bodies are chronically activated, this is where we really start to get some of the negative health impacts of stress. And so distress tolerance skills can help in many ways. They can help to decrease anxiety, slow our physiological arousal, lower that stress response, help us to move through that stress response cycle and help us to clear our thinking and to respond wisely in challenging situations. So some of you know just stress tolerance skills can include paced breathing. That’s one of my favorite nice deep breathing. It’s something you can do anywhere. It’s one of the most effective things you can do. Another one is paired muscle relaxation. So we’re thinking about physiological engagement, to to shift our to shift our physiological response in the face of stressors.

Dr. Melissa Smith 28:59
Another distress tolerance skill is radical acceptance. Right? When we walk around with rigid expectations and really fighting life and reality, we increase our stress load and it that’s not good for us. But this idea of radical acceptance, of accepting what is to welcome everything can really help you to be more reflective and and insightful about solutions and about, you know, what you can do or maybe what you shouldn’t do in a situation. And then another one is self soothing via the five senses. So again, we want to engage somatically with our bodies. That’s one of the most important ways that we move through the stress response cycle. And so if we think about self soothing, we just think in terms of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, right? So. Times these exercises are no is known as grounding techniques, but really orienting to person, place time, orienting to the five senses helps us to get out of that panic mode in our head and settle into the present moment, where we can remind ourselves that we’re safe, and we can settle our nervous system so that then we can think through the issue at hand.

Dr. Melissa Smith 30:25
And so today, I shared with you the first three leadership survival skills. And so they are, one, simplify, two, support, and three self care. So I hope that you’ll join me next time as we discuss the other leadership survival skills. Again, these are foundational to health and well being, and so head on over to my website to check out the show notes with the resources for thisepisode at www.drmelissasmith.com/261-survivalskillspart1 and that’s the number one.

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