Episode 255: Do you Want a More Secure Relationship?

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 Dr. Melissa Smith 0:00
Do you want a more secure relationship? You want a better relationship? Well, the easy answer for most of us is yes. So why is that so hard? Today, I’m going to discuss the small behaviors, the micro actions that lead to a more secure relationship.

Dr. Melissa Smith 0:21
Hi, I’m Dr Melissa Smith, welcome to the pursue what matters podcast where we focus on what it takes to thrive in love and work. So if you’ve listened to the podcast at all, you know that I’m really a geek about attachment, and today we are talking about secure attachment, which is really the key to happiness, security, better health in our relationships. And so, you know, if you recall, maybe from, you know, psychology, 101, or conversations on this podcast, or other resources, attachment is something that is established for each of us very early in life. It’s based on our earliest Child Care relationships, but we carry that template or that type of relationship with us throughout our life, and if we’re not careful, you know, some of those early issues can really impact our present day relationships. And so when it comes to attachment style, we are really looking to write like the golden attachment style that we all want to work towards is secure attachment. Maybe you’ve heard about some of the insecure attachment styles, right? So we think about anxious. Sometimes it’s known as ambivalent. We think about avoidant, and we think about disorganized. And I have talked about each of those in another podcast, and so I won’t review all of those here, but for our purposes, today, we’re really looking at what helps us to have a more secure relationship. Another way you can look at that is, how do we have a better relationship? Right? And you know, if you are having any sort of distress in your relationship, it can feel like you’re climbing a really tall mountain. It the challenges can feel insurmountable. Because, you know, here’s the thing, our our most intimate relationship, our closest relationship, impacts every area of our life, and so if things aren’t going well there, it can feel like making positive changes. You know, can can feel almost impossible, but if you feel that way,

Dr. Melissa Smith 2:45
I’m here with a message that I think is one of hope, and that is, it’s easier than you think to move towards a more secure relationship, and that’s really what we’re thinking about, right? Like a secure attachment is the foundation for health and wellness for us as humans. And so I hope that what I share with you today can be really helpful. And so when it so the I think the other good news right when it comes to attachment, and you know, distress in relationships is that as humans, we’re all wired for secure attachment now, right? No parent is perfect, no family is perfect, and so that’s how we kind of trip upon some of these secure attachment styles. And again, it often happens very early in life, and it’s the pattern of interaction between caregivers, and often the caregivers can be very well intended. So it’s not like, you know, we have a lot of like, highly dysfunctional families out there, necessarily, but every parent fails, right? Every parent fails in some way. And that’s not an indictment on parents. It is just a recognition that no one’s perfect and right, even when you love your children dearly, you’re going to miss things right. You’re going to miss signs and signals, and sometimes they’re not speaking up. And there can be lots of reasons for that, but as humans, we’re all wired for secure attachment, and so even if you recognize in yourself a pattern of insecure attachment. The good news is right when you can pay attention to some of these small, small actions, these small shifts, you can, in a very real and sustainable way, move towards more secure attachment. So it’s great. And when it comes to again, addressing relationship concerns or moving to a more secure relationship attachment, attachment, we think that it’s gonna require, you know, moving heaven and earth to make these changes. And. And you you know, you might feel pretty skeptical about that. You might think there’s no way that my partner would ever change so, you know, and then you might not be willing to change either. But here’s the really good news. Is that the things that are needed to make these shifts are small. They’re micro actions every single day. Now, consistency is really important, but it’s not that difficult to make changes. And you know, I’m, you know, I’m not saying that there aren’t some concerns that are pretty outsized, and of course, would probably need, you know, some, some additional support and help, whether that’s marriage and family therapy, but we can all work on these daily activities and shifts in how we relate, and it can really set a great foundation for a more secure relationship. So that’s the really good news.

Dr. Melissa Smith 6:01
So first, I want to talk just a little bit it. You know, in a nutshell, what does it mean to have a secure attachment? Now, there are books and books written about this. There’s, you know, there is a very robust body of research on this, but I just today want to give you just a nutshell idea of what it means to have a secure attachment. And the hope is that you can just hold on to kind of this, this core thought, and that it can help you as you consider implementing some of these, some of these behaviors. Okay, so at its root, to have a secure attachment means that you feel seen and known. You feel regarded and loved by your partner. But you know, can? We can have secure relationships with lots of different people, but that you are seen and loved for who you are, yet you don’t have to perform, you don’t have to please, you don’t have to, you know, contort yourself to fit someone else’s expectations. That doesn’t mean that, you know, we don’t look at making positive changes in our relationships, but it’s this felt sense of being seen and known and regarded, right? And I just like, when I think about that, I just think, oh, it’s like, it’s a comfort. It’s like having a safe place to land. That’s kind of what I think about when I think about secure relationships, right? Because life is hard, life is challenging, and so, you know, you’re out there, sometimes it feels like battling in the world and facing challenges and dealing with stressors. And isn’t it a relief to come home to the safety and security of a comforting and loving relationship, and also like how how heartbreaking and how sad and difficult, if you don’t have that kind of safety net in your most important relationships, right? It’s like you you face all these stressors out in the world, and then you come home, and you might feel like you’re still fighting a battle. And so you know, our most important relationships impact so much. And so you know what I guess, in sharing this, what I want to say is this is really worth your time. It’s not as hard as you think it is, and it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other things to address, but your attention to what I’m going to share with you today can make such a positive impact. And really it’s not about like, you know, the latest tip or trick for, you know, securing your relationship. These are time tested principles, right, like eons, but, but, you know, even if we think about more recently, this is research that really started in, you know, the 40s, 50s and 60s. And it, there’s, there’s not doubt about the findings from this research, and so it’s certainly worth your time. So first of all, let’s look at this question of what gets in the way. So, right? Like, what undermines secure attachment? Because if we’re wired for it and we want that, like, what’s the problem?

Dr. Melissa Smith 9:18
So of course, like I said, our history can impact that right can get in the way because we come to our adult relationships with stories and experiences and difficult relationships that color how we approach our present day relationships, that can be a really big issue in relationships, and so this is where self awareness and understanding your own history, taking responsibility for that storytelling, right, and helping yourself to cope so that you don’t project those issues onto your present day relationship, can make a big difference. Now that’s easier said than done, but that’s really where. Or individual therapy can be very powerful, because, you know, most of us don’t get out of childhood unscathed, and so depending on the degree to which an insecure attachment style from you know, childhood or family dysfunction is impacting your most important relationships today, it’s really, it’s really worth your time and energy to take a look at that. Understanding your patterns can really help you step out of them. And so, of course, that’s a big one that undermines secure attachment. So, right? The baggage that we bring to a relationship, the other big ones, right? We think about lying or dishonesty. Obviously, you know, if that’s happening in a relationship, that’s absolutely going to undermine the security of the relationship, and it should right, because if someone is lying to you, we don’t want you to feel like everything’s great. There are issues that need to be addressed. And you know, depending on what that dishonesty looks like, that’s, you know, that would be a situation where we probably definitely recommend, you know, marriage and family therapy, because there’s a lot to sort through, and there’s so much, you know, loss of trust, pain and that sense of betrayal. But let’s think about so, so, right? Like, that’s a big one, and obviously, like we can all see that, but what happens more often for most of us are these little things that undermine security in a relationship, right? So in answering the question, what undermines a secure attachment, I want you to think about some of these small daily ones. Right now we think about them as small, but they can be much more corrosive because we think that they’re not a big deal, or they happen so frequently that they just they have that corrosive effect where they just kind of chip away at the security of a relationship. And so what are these? So a big one is unreliability, right? This question of, can I count on you, or a feeling of, I can’t count on you, that absolutely undermines secure attachment. So when we talk about unreliability in our most important relationship, we first want to make sure that we have realistic expectations about reliability. So if you are holding your partner to an unrealistic standard, don’t be surprised when you don’t feel like you can trust your partner, or you feel like you don’t have security in that relationship. And so that’s why always, with everything, everything I’m ever going to talk to you about the first work is always a turn towards self awareness. What is my part? Am I being fair here? Am I being reasonable? And if you feel like I totally am, it’s a good time to get feedback, because maybe the feedback will be, yeah, you’re spot on, and that’s helpful, right? And that helps you to move forward with the next steps. But sometimes it’s like, that’s not very reasonable, and that’s really good information to have. And so, you know, we always want to check our assumptions at the gate first. So unreliability is a big one that undermines secure attachment.

Dr. Melissa Smith 13:20
Here are some other ones that I see all the time. They’re considered smaller, but again, maybe more undermining, more corrosive, potentially over time. And that is distraction, and that is a plague for many of our relationships, because we’re so zoned out on screens, and it’s one of the things that concerns me most about our society right now. I worry about that with little kiddos. I worry about that in marriages. I worry about that in family life. I worry about that at work too, right? Like, so we’re distracted, we’re checked out, right? Like, we’re numbing. And so when we are distracted, checked out, or numbing by default, we we’re not connected, right? We’re not aware of the other person. And if you remember what I said about like this nutshell definition of secure attachments, it’s being seen and known. It’s this idea of being present with one another, another way that this shows up, or, you know, we answer this question of what undermines secure attachment, is we can see mismatched responses, and this can be because of a result of distraction, right? So maybe you know, you’re sharing something that’s really important or really vulnerable, something that was challenging from the day, and you get a blank slate in response, or you get, oh, that’s cool. Or you get, oh, okay, like, basically the other person’s checked out. They’re not paying attention, they’re not listening. So a very mismatched response. And it’s like those moments can be pretty painful if you’re if you’re paying. Attention, right? And then, you know, similar to mismatched response is a lack of response. And so these are kind of the small daily behaviors that can really undermine secure attachment. And so of course, we want to be very careful and very aware of those.

Dr. Melissa Smith 15:19
So now that we’ve talked about some of the factors that can lead to an insecure attachment or that can undermine an insecure attachment, right, let’s talk about how we cultivate a secure attachment in our self, in our relationship with ourself and in our relationship with others. Because did you know you could have an insecure relationship with yourself? I think I’ve done a podcast on this not too long ago, but we’re, you know, primarily, really talking about, like, our most important relationship. So we think about spouse, partner, very close family members and so, like I said at the top of the podcast, most of us think that in order to, you know, repair a relationship, or move from an insecure attachment to a secure attachment, that this really, you know, takes big, big efforts and a lot of time, and it can feel daunting. It can feel very overwhelming. And, you know, if, if you’re like a lot of people, it’s like, what’s the point? Right? It’s not that people don’t want to really be invested in that work, but if it feels insurmountable, then it’s easy to, you know, to feel like you can’t even get started on that. But here’s what’s true when it comes to secure attachment. It is small, daily actions. It’s it’s really micro shifts in the ways that we interact. So if you remember one of the things that I said that really undermines an insecure attachment, or can lead to an insecure attachment, are these small, micro actions that happen all the time, right? Distraction, being checked out, numbing yourself, having a mismatched response or a lack of response, right? And these, these sorts of behaviors, if we’re not careful, can happen all the time, but they’re not big destructive behaviors, right? They’re insidious. And so they add up, but they’re not that hard to change.

Dr. Melissa Smith 17:22
And so let’s just talk a little bit about some of the micro actions and shifts that you can make towards a more secure attachment. And so first and foremost, we want to practice presence. Now. That sounds pretty easy. That’s probably one of the hardest things in the world that we live in. And the reason it’s so hard is because for most of us, we always have a screen in front of us, and so to practice presence. Mean is really what I’m talking about, is being fully present with another person, meaning that phone is not in the way, meaning you’re not distracted. And so this is a big factor for a lot of people. But one simple thing that you could do, it might not feel simple, is, but it’s not that hard, right? Is you can put the phone down, right? And this will take some intentional practice, but once you start to put the phone down, it’s so much easier to be present. And so you know whether that is, you know when you’re having a conversation, getting in the habit of putting your phone face down, like don’t even be holding on to it, because if you’re holding on to it, it’s just too easy to pick it back up, you know, putting it in, you know, we always kind of talk about a basket in the kitchen. That’s something that we had, especially for our kiddos growing up. But putting your phone in timeout, putting your phone in a basket, I often will put my phone in a drawer in another room. And, you know, it’s not necessarily, I mean, it’s for sure, to strengthen the relationships, but it’s also like, I just want to break from it, like I don’t, I don’t want it in front of me, because there are so many ways I need to be using it throughout the workday, of course, because it can be helpful, it can be a helpful tool, but like, the last thing I want when I’m home is that phone in front of me.

Dr. Melissa Smith 19:23
So just thinking about some specific actions that you can take to practice present and primarily here, right? I’m talking about getting rid of devices. So thinking about, you know, taking the air pods or the earphones out of your ears so that you I can hear what others are saying, putting that phone away, you know, not having the phone at the dinner table. It’s a big that’s a big one, not having the phone in your hands in the car, making sure that you’re, you know, you. Doing everything you can to be present and aware in those situations. Of course, a mindfulness practice can help you to really practice presence. Another one is, and this is a big one, is to listen deeply. So for many of us, right? We’re not very good listeners because we’re distracted. We’re thinking about other things. We’re multitasking. We’re thinking even if we are listening, we’re thinking about our response rather than truly listening. And so to listen deeply means setting every other agenda aside. So whether that’s other tasks that you have, things that you’re thinking about. Or sometimes someone will say something, and it will will remind you of something, hold on to that, right? It’ll come back and really listening to understand, not listening to respond, right? And we can have good intention when we listen to respond, but our attention really shifts more to what am I going to say, or what could be helpful, or what is my opinion on this? And right there, we have ceased listening to the other person, so that can feel kind of tricky, but really listening deeply includes listening to understand.

Dr. Melissa Smith 21:16
So seeking understanding, we’re not listening to respond. That doesn’t mean, of course, that we don’t respond, but we really want to be coming from a place of presence and attention to that other person. So related to both of these is the concept of attunement. So attunement is a term that we hear all the time in the attachment literature. And if you think about that, right, the attachment literature is founded on our ears, child childcare relationships, right? So think about babies and moms, babies and dads, toddlers, kids, right? Of course, that that tracks throughout the lifespan. But you know, there’s nothing better than to watch a little baby completely attuned with a mom or dad, right? Maybe their their faces, their faces are close together. They are making eye contact, they’re giggling, or they’re gazing. You know, hopefully you’ve had these experiences. They are just so precious. And so when we think about that attunement, it’s like everything is in sync, right? So we think about tone of voice is matched, right? The the the volume of voice is matched. I contact is matched, closeness is matched, right? So it is a full body experience to be attuned with another person. It doesn’t mean you have to be locked in a gaze face to face, but I just want you to think about ways that you can really attune to your loved ones, and so sometimes it’s just slowing down and slowing down your breathing and really kind of pacing yourself with the other person. Of course, it includes that listening. It includes being distraction free. And then it also includes compassion, right? The art of listening is a compassionate act, for sure. And then another thing that you can do to cultivate secure attachment is engage in joint attention, right? So, you know, this is something you know, my guy friend and I often do, like, you know, we love hiking. We love being up in the mountains, out in nature. We also really love stargazing. And so right for us, stargazing is one of those activities of joint attention, right? And I love the moments of, oh, did you see that shooting star, right? And so it’s like you’re both together, kind of beholding the awe of nature, or, you know, just appreciating the landscape. And so, you know, sometimes you can do that with art, right, like really appreciating art. You know, not too long ago, my guy friend and I were traveling abroad, and we were in, you know, the this beautiful town square, and just sitting across from a church, and the church bells were ringing, and they were ringing for like 20 minutes. It was definitely the call, the call to mass, and we just, we just sat there, just kind of mesmerized, but it was just this joint attention of just like appreciating that moment and appreciating the lovely bells and feeling grateful that they weren’t going to continue all night because our hotel was right next door.

Dr. Melissa Smith 24:46
Another way that we can cultivate secure attachment is maintaining contact. So one of the things that we talk about with attachment are touch points. We talk about comings and goings and these. Transition points in a relationship, right? It doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal, but if there is a history of attachment concerns, these transitions, these comings and goings, can be points of high vulnerability. They can be points of just heightened worry or vulnerability or insecurity, and so you know, one of the ways that you can really help to counteract that and also, right, just cultivate a nice secure attachment, is to maintain contact with your loved one. This can be in very simple ways, right? So maybe it is a quick text at the end of the day to say, Hey, I’m heading your direction, or I’m looking forward to seeing you kind of these touch points throughout the day. And obviously, you know that doesn’t work for everyone. That might not even be helpful for everyone, but this is where attunement to your partner can be really helpful. To really look at what can be helpful in the relationship. And so it might not be very, you know, important to you, but it might be important to your partner. And you know, could a simple touch point here and there throughout the day be helpful, right? So we’re not talking about, you know, destroying your schedule, or, you know, anything like that. But these small touch points in a relationship help us to maintain secure attachment, right? Help us to be reminded of the steadiness of the love and the caring in the relationship. Because, of course, one of the hallmarks of insecure attachment is this fear of the constancy of the loved one, right? And so maintaining brief contact in nice, simple ways can be really helpful, right? So when you know another example would be when traveling, right, like just sending it, sending a text to say, hey, you know I got, I got to my destination safely. That’s a nice touch point, okay?

Dr. Melissa Smith 27:09
And related to that, I kind of already talked about this as being mindful of comings and goings, and so I just want to say a little bit more here and what I mean. So again, I’m talking again about the comings and goings, the transition points, how we but more specifically, how we greet each other and how we say goodbye to each other. These are really critical points for attachment and so, you know, it’s easy to just get kind of lost in the bustle of life and to not even, you know, acknowledge your partner, maybe when they come home, or to greet your partner with, you know, a complaint or whatever. And I would just say, let’s not do that. Let’s be really mindful of our comings and goings, and just being, you know, just being thoughtful and loving like maybe that’s a moment of, you know, it’s, it’s absolutely a moment of reconnecting, if we allow it. So maybe it’s a moment of, you know, a hug or a kiss, or, like, how was your day? Just like, a nice brief check in. It doesn’t have to be long and extensive. And then, how do you say goodbye? Right? Do we, you know, do, do we have kindness and gentleness in those interactions? These are really small, micro actions that make a big difference. And right, if you were to think about like, Okay, could I maybe work on one of these things, you could. They’re not that hard, and they really do make a big difference.

Dr. Melissa Smith 28:36
So another thing that you can do is to use your eyes. We talked about that right, like using your eyes to to show attention and that you’re listening right? And sometimes, when you’re listening deeply, you might not be saying much, but you can communicate your interest with your eyes the way you are maintaining eye contact. Another great way to cultivate secure attachment is to play, right? If your relationship is characterized by work all the time, it’s really hard to to to keep that loving connection in place. And so having opportunities for play, because we connect in different ways in play, another way you can cultivate secure attachment is to un-automate, right? I already talked about this quite a bit, but getting rid of devices, making sure that you have contact that isn’t always, isn’t always interacting with tech. And then another way we cultivate secure attachment is to repair, repair, repair, right? So we think about relationships, they are kind of constantly going through this pattern of rupture and repair. And so, you know, the fact that you might have ruptures in your relationship is not a problem. It just means you’re human. You got two brains there. But can we repair? Repair. And so what do I mean by repair? Very simply, can you apologize? Can you own your behavior? Can you say, Hey, I’m sorry I got that wrong, or hey, I want to do over that that did not come out like I intended. And so repairing really is so powerful for reconnecting in the relationship and really moving us to secure attachment, because if we have ruptures, but we don’t have repair, that really moves us to a lot of insecurity in our relationships, regardless of what your history with attachment is, and then, and just a couple others that I want to finish up with is first, to build and expand your resources, right? So your partner can’t be everything, right?

Dr. Melissa Smith 30:50
So we want to have good self care in place. We want to have good connections, because sometimes your partner’s not always available, right, and when we put all of our focus in one relationship, right? If, for whatever reason, something happens there. We, you know, that can feel really devastating for your psyche. And so we, we want a good foundation of secure attachment. We think about that with you know, friends, other family members you know colleagues at work, that there are many places where you have good, meaningful connections. And then the last thing that I want to share with you today, in terms of cultivating secure attachment, is to attend to the good, right? Life is challenging. There are a lot of stressors. It’s so easy to focus on the negative or just to complain or just to focus on, like, what needs to get done. And so, you know, it’s not that hard to be intentional on focusing on the good, even to, you know, save some of the to do list items for another time or after the greeting has happened, so that we’re really leading with what we want more of in the relationship, which is goodness and gentleness and affection and, you know, loving care. So I hope that that is helpful for you. Your attention to your relationships is probably, you know, one of the most important things that you could do to help you to be happier and to thrive in life. So it really is worth your time and attention. So head on over to my website to check out the show notes with the resources for this episode www.drmelissasmith.com/255-securerelationship. I would love to connect with you. I’m on Instagram @dr.melissasmith I’d also love to connect with you via my email list. So if you would like to get a weekly email with leadership, quotes and direction and insights about the podcast, I’d love to have you join my email list. You can do that at www.drmelissasmith.com and of course, subscribe to the podcast. Wherever you listen to podcasts, it’s a great way for people to to find out about their the podcast, and then you won’t miss any episodes. So thank you for your time, and I’m Dr Melissa Smith, remember love and work, work and love. That’s all there is until next time. Take good care.

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